Why I am not drawing anymore? The answer is very long.... This year my life turned into real Hell. I blame my grandmother for this. 4 years ago she MADE me to study Public Health. I was so submissive and obeyed that evil woman. I suffered for 4 years... I got depressed, miserable, unhappy, life didn't content me anymore, nothing did. I lost all interest in things I like: writing, drawing, reading, playing video games- everything. I had a writer's block for more than 4 years actually.... She was destroying everything in me. I couldn't lift a pencil to make a line, not to mention actual drawing.
And so... Here I am. After a month I have final public speech for my graduation work... I have highest level's glossophobia. So doing speeches makes me wanna die... x__x Really, I would better die than talk in front of people. Now after 2 days I have second speech. (First was done more than good xD) I'm now again in fear and panic mood. It's not actually the speech I am afraid of, I might do it well. I am afraid of my classmates.... They hate me. They truly hate me. They hate who I am, how I dress, what I say. Well, shall I be surprised about such hate? Everybody hates me since I was born. So, I should be used to be "the one who nobody likes". And yet I cannot think of them without trembling. I really don't wanna see them... u__u My graduation will be few days before or after my birthday (around June 28th). I do not want that. I really do not want to sit in that hall with all these haters and mostly- GET ON STAGE TO TAKE MY DIPLOMA. x__x The horror of all horrors.... My grandma promised me iPhone 6S Plus with 64GB space Rose Gold Edition for this torture. But all of this looks like "One Missed Call" movie: I'll torture you and give you a candy if you won't scream. u__u Why I obeyed her? I usually scream, curse and walk out of the house slamming the door if I do not want to do something. But that day when I signed contract- I was like enchanted, I obeyed everything like a slave. And I really didn't know this will end like that.... My own fault I guess. I guess I deserve it. Maybe I pay for my sins and crimes like that? I wish I knew...
Now, many would ask why I didn't choose to study something I like? To say truth: I like nothing. Yes, I'm a writer.... BUT... My books were rejected TWO times, by TWO publishing houses. So I said to myself: "Fuck these idiots. My dream cannot come truth. So, I quit". And I quited MANY dreams like that. If to say truth: I'm good for nothing. REALLY. I am not talking bad about myself. I tell the truth. I cannot do anything right. My grandma encourages this misery saying: "You will lose a job very quickly. You are horrible. You are disgusting. Nobody will keep you in any working place with such temper". And she's right.... My temper is horrible. If I am in bad mood- I will not speak with anybody and just sit frowning and cursing all world under my nose. I'm moody, hot-headed, arrogant, swearing like a sailor all the time, REALLY aggressive. Am I guilty for this? Until I turned 7 years old- I was a happy, cheerful, friendly person. But the day I was imprisoned in the place called school- I changed... THEY changed me... I had to turn evil and aggressive if I wanted to stay alive and survive. I had no other choice. This was the only way to survive such torturing. And now.... Now I live only for revenge. I won't stop until all of them will suffer as I did. (not physically) Well, Balys Sruoga book "Dievų miškas" perfectly describes how ordinary people in concentration camps turn into beasts. This goes for me perfectly. I am not guilty I am so evil and sadistic. I live like that for 18 years. "I cannot change as others do"- as John Wilmot said in his poem.
And so here I am. I give no fuck about that Bachelor work anymore. Let my grandma do it. She needs it, she wants it, let she do it. Yeah, I got rid of these "spells" she used on me. I am very aggressive toward her. And yet she asks: "Why?" Why? Why? She should see that she is guilty for everything. She put me in the place I do not belong in. Of course I hate her, I yell at her, I do not talk with her. And instead of harming her, I turned on innocent animals in our house. And yet she shouldn't be surprised why I do that: all her fault.
I guess I'll end up like Cesare Borgia.... My grandma IS RODRIGO BORGIA'S REINCARNATION. x__x Believe me. Rodrigo is back. I live with him. Same as Rodrigo made Cesare to become a priest. I am made to become a medic. (our family's profession. >_>) And I can see my future already.... Cesare was destroyed after his father's death. I will be destroyed after my grandma's death too.... I might live good life for 10-15 more years... But then- death to me too. I am dependent on her money and she uses this against me. And she knows after her death I will have no more money, nobody will obey me, nobody will help me anymore. Yeah, I have just my grandparents. After their death I will be all alone in this world. I want it, but I fear it too. HA! Cesare's and Rodrigo's dialogue in Assassin's Creed PERFECTLY shows how me and my grandma talk very single day:
Cesare (me): My funds. My troops. Gone. You intend to give me money?
Rodrigo (my grandma): No, I do not.
Cesare (me): I DO NOT HAVE TO STAND THIS!!
Rodrigo (my grandma): I give you everything and yet it's never enough...
And it's like that every single day... >_> And so... I go to write my books that nobody will ever read and SHALL NOT. Even if my dream to become published is crashed, the pain doesn't go away... My biggest dream, my essence of life, my goal of life- GONE. Gone as Cesare's funds.
My love life? Went down the toilet the day I was born. >_> First girl I fell in love (I guess I still love her...)- rejected my love. I will never forgive her for this. I hope she gonna die in horrible death with her idiot fiancee and son. >< I offered her EVERYTHING: love, myself, my money, happiness... everything... and yet. WHAT DO WOMEN WANT? >_> They always want the Hell knows what. I was romantic, gentle, showed attention, guarded her from her enemies. I got into fights with other men just to protect her. I got enemies because I protected her... and yet.... damned bitch. u__u I hate and love her. This emotion tears me into parts.
My second girl.... I do not feel such hate for her. Just pure love. She rejected me same as the first one. WHY? I gave her everything too. Even now when I meet her- I give her expensive gifts, pay for her in restaurants, give all my attention, listen to her. And yet.... something's wrong.... But why she loves virtual sex with me? Why she loves listening to my sexual fantasies about her? Why? If she doesn't like me, so why?
My third girl... We were in relationship. We were so close... Like soulmates, but what I did was what took this to the end. I made horrible scene of jealousy.... So my own fault. Now we stay friends, but she changed so much....
I do not count all my virtual lovers, I guess they are not real and doesn't count.
And so. I got to conclusion with my new Greek friend. I am a digusting pervert. That's an explanation. Well... I guess it's truth. I'm too vulgar even if I do not show that, people tend to feel my true intentions...
And so? How can such idiot as me be creative anymore? I cannot.
The conclusion of all of this is: I do not have my own life. I live how my family tells me to live. Nobody loves me and nobody can. I'm digusting and worth to be killed. I am evil so deserve to be hated. I have no future.
And yet I must live since I am way too sissy to end my life. God, I am such a coward!! Coward to face death and stop others' and my own suffering. I cannot live, but cannot die either. So where do I belong? Heaven is not for me. Hell doesn't want a second Lucifer. Earth- nobody wants such freak as me either. Can't Evil love? Can't Evil be loved? Can't I be loved for who I am? I am not guilty I was born like this or who I became.
And now I cry like an idiot. I haven't been crying for 3 or more months. This is so unmanly. I must quit. Pull myself together and stand manly in this Hell surrounded by demons and hatred. I am sorry if I was born, it was not my decision. God decided to torture me.
Listening to: Russian songs
Reading: Rafael Sabatini "The Life of Cesare Borgia"
Watching: No mood for movies
Playing: Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood
Drinking: Berry juice