Mon Cher, Arthur Kirkland,

I want to apologize you for everything, mon cher. I never hated you. I do not even now. I have always loved you. And I still do. Everything I said about you in front of other countries- it was just denying I so loved you. I didn’t want to show my feelings in front of others. I pretended to be number one rival. But the truth is different…

Remember the time when ma mère introduced moi to your mère? I am sorry I was so arrogant little boy. The truth is I fell in love with you from this first moment. You were different. So wild, dirty, without any manières, non-Christian, rude, holding dirty bunny in hands and speaking with your imaginary friends. Oui, I can see them. You were like different side of moi. Like Yin and Yang. Your hair was tossed, and your eyebrows… I never saw such hairy man in my life. A wild man. I already imagined you an adult. I saw the future, like Nostradamus. I knew you will become stronger than moi. And later Nordics and Holy Roman Empire separated us… I didn’t like being with HRE. I wanted to be with you…

So, I sent Normans to invade you. I wanted to get you back. I’m sorry if they did harm to you, but I had no other choice. I was too lonely without you. And I had great wish to give you my culture that you could become greatest in the world. I feel so happy that my language influenced yours so much. But I let you be free still, I never considered you as part of me. Maybe others had such thoughts, but you know you were still free, no matter I took care of everything in your land. But you were so stubborn and so wanted to be independent from me. I was very sad that you pushed me away and became independent and completely free.

Later you became so arrogant and proud of your language and culture which was created by me. I felt so sad and hurt that you didn’t want to accept me as your Big Brother, the one who made you who you are now… And it was first time during so many years when I was really mad at you. You perfectly remember how you killed my daughter Joan of Arc. You hurt me so deeply that I wanted just revenge. I never had any idea you could do such a thing to me. I don’t know if I can forgive you for this… I probably never will… You made a dark spot in my soul; you left a bleeding wound that will never heal. You perfectly know this. You weren’t childish anymore, but you acted like crazy teen. I don’t care if you are sorry or not, I won’t forgive you for this. NEVER. But….time passes. I simply try not thinking about that cruel action of yours anymore. But when I do, I feel anger. You destroyed all trust for you in me. It took me a lot of time to cry out this pain… Finally to look into your eyes and not to cry. But this became the root of the traditional rivalry and at times hatred between us. I had to banish you out of my territory.

And so our war had started. You became Protestant, while I stayed Roman Catholic. But time had passed and you started to return to my side little by little. But then I was spending my time more with Spain. He was strongest one in that time. You were scared that universal monarchy of Europe would be able to overwhelm you. But as you see our first painful memory made me stronger, when Spain’s power weakened, I became the strongest. You became so jealous of my monarchy and strength. I couldn’t believe how you could be so evil and angry. You were such nice boy and you became such evil and arrogant… I thought you were an isolated and piratical nation heavily reliant on naval power, and particularly privateer. Of course I became angry at your envy. I had to start wars against you again. Even I didn’t like that, but I had no other choice. You were too infantile, too rebellious, a little pirate boy who liked to play with ships and when he lost battle, he began to cry, scream and throw toys and his friend (me). I had to stop your over emotional state. You were too old to be so childish. But you went completely crazy when you joined forces with Prussia and Austria against me. It was hurting, you know. I didn’t want to fight them because you had stupid caprices again. You just wanted to fight like crazy and I had to defend myself from your sick and crazy mind. It was so sad to see you go crazy. I thought I did mistake making you strong. I wished I never met you. I shouldn’t have raised self-confidence in you. But I didn’t foresee you will become so evil. So I started to ignore you, but you reached my attention in crazy methods again attacking my colonies in America. And your stubbornness of taking America was too crazy. You went so mad as never before. I didn’t know what to do with you. Especially when little America was in your side. I was too busy spending time with my little Canada to fight with you again. But you never stopped being an asshole. Well, I couldn’t surrender to you too. I had much work to do make my baby Canada be strong and I had dreams he will be strongest after me. Yes… you began war with me again about India. But I had to get enough money for my baby to live in future. I was fighting for my son. Since you took life of my daughter, I did everything not to lose my son.

But I saw what you did with your son… I saw you wanted to make him as crazy as you. So I had to make him from you before it was too late. I couldn’t let that child to become mad as you. But I never succeeded in that… He believed in you more than in me. You also turned against my ally Spain. My visions became truth; you became strongest in the world. But I was angry at myself I let this happen. I became so sad I couldn’t fight with you anymore. I was too tired and sad. So, I took my last card of pocket to stop this devilish dominion of yours: I started to help your son to get independent from you. I thought this will end all this shit once and for all. I thought America was already big boy to live on his own. I saw this child became better than you ever were. So, your naval power was subdued by an alliance between me and Spain.

But this wasn’t as good for me as everybody thought.  The cost of rebuilding my navy caused a financial crisis, leading directly to the Revolution… It was one of the most painful periods in my life. But I was sick of everything, I had to end everything and start my life. To start new life, new era. That was the end. I found the key to freedom and equality. Of course your devilish mind was happy to see me in such depression. It made me even sadder… Even in such sad moment you dared to use my weakness and sickness to make me even sicker. But you didn’t win this. I still had my strength and I could kick your butt. I simply was not in mood to deal with you. I had my own problems.

And then my mind went sicker. Your crazy ideas somehow made me mad too. I felt strong wish to take over all world and put you in good place. I wanted to take my glory back. You can call in mania if you wish, but I was so sick of being your doormat that I had to do this… First I tried to stop everybody trading with you, but some still did. This made me angry! So I invaded Portugal trying to attempt to halt trade with you, turning Spain into a satellite state in the process. You responded by dispatching a force under Sir Arthur Wellesley which captured Lisbon. But this ended badly for…me… I was defeated at Waterloo by you, Prussia and the Netherlands… Such shame…such sadness… This was all done by my beloved son Napoleon. I made him mad as I expected you’ll make America. But you again separate me from my children… Maybe I was too weak to send Napoleon to such battles… Maybe I was too mad, but he will always be in my heart next to my Joan…

I recovered from the defeat at Waterloo to quickly retake my position on the world stage. You finally stopped being asshole and finally helped me. You started to take care of my little Canada and you got new children all over the world. But I wanted to recover after so many painful memories. I knew you made jokes about me. But in fact I wanted to be like this time. You finally forgot your stupid caprices and finally started to act like I always wanted you to act: real gentleman. But you still were arrogant… 'C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre.'  But finally we settled down as we tried to consolidate ourselves rather than extend ourselves.

Later I started to invade Africa and Indochina. What else was left for me? Yes, you got alarmed. But you still joined me to curb Russia's expansion westwards and his threats to the Ottoman Empire. However when you discovered that I was secretly negotiating with Russia to form a postwar alliance to dominate Europe, you hastily abandoned your plan to end the war by attacking St. Petersburg. Instead you concluded an armistice with Russia that achieved none of your war aims. But I helped you to fight with China on Opium Wars. When your son got mad in his Civil War, I wanted to take his side, but I stayed neutral with you. It was not our problem. He had to deal with his problems by himself. I continued a policy of the warm relations with you, especially following the creation of the German Empire… That was new threat coming… I felt that. I knew this little neighbor will cause much more troubles to everybody, but I didn’t dare to tell anybody my visions.

Years passed, we started to honor each other cultures. This made me happy. I was happy you accepted my language and I accepted yours. I felt maybe our good old days were coming back. But… Eventually this developed into a political policy as the new united Germany was seen as a potential threat. Oui, that boy was going crazy as I expected. But I never paid attention he was gathering strength under his innocent cute face. It was a wolf hiding in a sheep. You noticed this too and you became closer with me than with your son America. We both knew hell is coming and we had to join forces before this going to fall upon us.
And so it became reality. WWI started. I was glad you joined me. That little boy invaded my Northern part. That was the end of my silent. How he dared to invade my North!! Of course that boy was too weak, so after four years he surrendered. For this time we stopped that little angry boy. But he turned into strong, serious man who was threating me again. I had another feeling of even bigger trouble coming. This time it made me really scared! I knew he will take revenge on us all very soon. He was just planning…and planning…and planning… You were the only one who could calm me. I was never so scared in my life of anything like that boy… I was so happy you wanted the same as me- to stop that angry boy.
So after some years not only Germany got really evil, but his friend…or so-called…lover Italy started to scare me even more. You know little Italy was my little brother. I always enjoyed spending time with him, I loved him very much. And seeing what happened to him, made me even more and more scared. I couldn’t believe this was happening around us. So we had to start appeasement of Germany. I thought this was going to help… As Germany’s intentions became clear, I pushed for a harder line but you demurred, believing diplomacy could solve the disputes. Germany took over all of Czechoslovakia and began threatening Poland. Appeasement had failed, and we both raced to catch up with Germany in weaponry…
So, we had started a war on Germany because of Poland… It was no other way to stop this. Germany attacked me… AGAIN. I got mad of course. Luckily you were always by my side, mon cher. You saw I cannot defend myself, so helped me, mon amour. I was a little bit scared you might invade me…but I had no other choice, just to depend on you. But I still fell for the Germany… I was too weak at that moment… I allied with Germany… I’m sorry, mon amour. I know you were betrayed. I know I did huge mistake, but I had to do something to save myself! But I came back to you. I couldn‘t be with that pervert evil doer too long. I lacked for your love. But we had to pass so much pain during these five years. These five years were hardest for us both. But with help of your son and others we defeated that evil doer. But your son had to get back home and we both felt scared of Russia. He was now biggest problem. No matter he was in our side, but he was planning something evil. I felt this, very strongly… So you strongly advocated that I be given a zone of occupied Germany.
And later that disaster of Suez Canal… We were scared of Egypt that time. I finally got strength to propose to you…to marry me… But you refused… You refused my love… I better had to be occupied by that evil Germany than lose your love. I wanted to marry you. Never wished for anything more than this in my life. And you crashed my dreams, my feelings, everything dare to me. You better went to America… I was betrayed and hurt so much! Then I secretly started to hate your son. I wanted that he would disappear somewhere in universe with his aliens and never come back. He became a wall between our loves. He was always such bastard, such idiot, just a fool. Not even to mention he abused my baby Canada…
I had to find new friends… So I, Germany, Belgium, the Netherlands, Italy and Luxembourg started to make something new. European Union. And we decided to reject your wish to join us. I was too hurt after that marriage thing, so I wanted to stay away from you as far as I could. I feared if you would join our “club”, you will start dominating it.
So, I was as angry at you and your son as angry at Russia. That time you were controlling my son Canada too much. I had to help him get his independence. But things there went quite strange. My son was too gentle and nice, he better decided to stay with us all speaking both languages. Weird, but it happened as it supposed to happen. Maybe that’s why he wanted that I would let you join my EU “club”… I couldn’t make me boy sad, so I decided to let you join my “club”. If my son said you must join, I had to make his wish come truth.

But then again, you remembered your mad days and went to war with America to Iraq… That boy was crazy enough to become one of the strongest countries in the world by that time. He was going to wars too much… And his main target became Middle East. No wonder soon disasters fell upon him giving him a lot of pain and sadness…

Not so long time ago, I decided to get your trust again. I wanted to be with you again. Maybe not that far as marriage but close enough. To my joy you agreed to become close with me again. I thanked you for your help in WWII. It’s truth; I will never forget what you did for me fighting against that bastard Germany. I will be forever thankful. We provided sharing of aircraft carriers. We joined our forces 100 % finally. Have I ever been as happy as now? Now you are my third-biggest export market after America and Germany. I’m so happy our people can now visit each other more than any time of all life. I’m so happy we are so close now. Now my people think your land is best place for holiday. But your food is still boring and ugly. Sorry, mon amour, it’s truth. You cannot cook. Let me do this for you better. Don’t forget Le tunnel sous la Manche… Its’ thing that not only united us both, but connected us in all ways…

What more can I say? We were always meant to be. It’s just your rebellious time of life made me angry at you. But we will be always together. Now I feel that our future will be perfect. Germany is calmed down; he is serious and calm man now, quite ashamed of his past. Italy became my sweet little brother again. Spain is my best friend as he always was. America has some hobbies: to argue with Russia. I think they have good time. Our fights are over. We are at peace. Now let the new nations fight for their own place in world. And let us be together finally. The last statement you made was best thing you have ever done. When you made homosexual marriage legal- I was very proud of your mature emotions and mind. I had to do the same. You gave me good example of making my land perfect. Now everybody wants to be one with me or you. Just be careful of that Lithuania guy… I have some bad feeling about him. He seems calm. But didn’t we think the same about Germany? I fear for one more disaster.

But it’s for your decision what to do with that depressive man invading your land. I wish one more thing to ask you… Isn’t it too pathetic to ask same question in life? Arthur… I want you to marry me…

Avec amour,
Francis Bonnefoy
Je’taime, mon amour. Mon cœur appartient à te.